Mouse of Usher

AMC's Website Runs Better Movies Than Its Cable Channel

It's been a long time since the acronym "AMC" represented "American Movie Classics" in TV channel listings. The phrase that usually comes to my mind when I see those letters strung together is "Any More Channels?" Since the late '90s, right around the time Rupert Murdoch acquired the network and started breaking the films up for commercials, there's been little about AMC that's been "classic" (unless you're talking "classic Swayze," in which case the channel's ceaseless airing of Road House might qualify). Sure, you can still sometimes catch an old talkie from the '30s or '40s during the Cialis hours of the day, AMC's attempt to wrest Neilsen shares away from The Price is Right and Matlock, but when a channel's running movies like Chain Reaction in prime evening timeslots, it's clearly headed back down the mountain of cultural relevance.

Fortunately someone forgot to tell that to the people that run the channel's horror dept. Despite its obvious decline in just about every other realm, AMC continues to be the only fairly reliable resource for decent horror on widespread basic cable (the descriptor "decent" automatically disqualifies 97% of what airs on the Sci-Fi Channel). Between its weekly Fear Friday block and the annual weeklong Fearfest (not to mention the Horror Hacker blog), the channel continues to cater quite well to the horror crowd. Yeah, the movies are edited and riddled with commercials, but pretty soon we'll all be seeing ads on our toilet paper; that's capitalism. At least the cinematic toilet paper on AMC's roll more often than not stars Adrienne Barbeau.

And, with the recent launch of their 2008 Fearfest promo site, AMC's actually taken their TP into two-ply territory, making a handful of good oldies available for instant online viewing. And we're not talking about The Lawnmower Man or Bloody Murder 2, here. The initial wave of online Fearfest flicks actually includes some movies worth watching, especially if you're a Vincent Price fan or can't get enough of Lance Henrikson's hair.

• The Fall of the House of Usher
• The Haunted Palace
• The Island of Dr. Moreau
  
• Pumpkinhead
  

AMC's also sponsoring a contest to award $4,000 to one aspiring horror filmmaker, but be warned: the final round guest judge is Rob Zombie, so unless your one-minute movie submission happens to be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or a classic slasher film remade into a crappy, self-indulgent after-school special, you might be better off waiting for AMC to sponsor a Road House fest (which should kick-off right around November 1).

Haigslist and The New Face of FEARnet

Despite its somewhat pandering news content and the juvenile hostility that pervades its comment fields, I've long been a tempered supporter of FEARnet's online presence. The selection of free movies available for immediate viewing on FEARnet.com has never been very vast or widely compelling, but thus far theirs has been the only site to successfully license a continually evolving roster of horror movies and original programming that people might actually want to watch.

The site's never been much on looks, though, between all of the banner ads, bumpers, and a layout that resembled every horror fan's ideal HTML execution circa 1997 (all that was missing was a dripping blood .gif).

I must not have been the only one who knew FEARnet could do better, for the site has recently sold its soul to the devil (or Hulu) and re-emerged with a cleaner design and lots of new content. The immediate standout among all of the new features is undoubtedly a blog by Sid Haig you can use to stay on top of Sid's latest cinematic projects movies to avoid at Blockbuster and read all about what he had for breakfast at the Holiday Inn buffet during his most recent horror con appearance (assuming he ever makes a second post), but perhaps the most telling sign that FEARnet has landed a new sugar daddy is its new crop of free movies, presented uncut and uninterupted. The bulk are still late-'90s DTV nap fodder, the site's acquisition of respectable fare like Near Dark and The Devil's Rejects more than makes up for the fact that some poor bastard is likely watching a Brian Yuzna movie right now.

Scream Streams: GINGER SNAPS BACK: THE BEGINNING

”What a lovely shade of dead.”

When you’re really attached to a set of characters, you’re willing to follow along on their adventures no matter where they lead. Even if they lead to Wal-Mart; or, in the case of the third and final chapter in the Ginger Snaps series, the 19th Century Canadian wilderness.

Abandoning the continuity of its two kinda-sorta awesome predecessors, Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning strands teenage sisters Ginger and Brigitte at an early 1800s French-Canadian trading outpost frequently besieged by werewolves. Apparently not even time-travel can keep their paws off Katherine Isabelle. It may not hold a Canadian candle to the first two films, but it’s better than the third Howling movie. And it’s free this week on FEARnet.

Highlights include:
• Typically strong performances from Katherine Isabelle and Emily Perkins (in period clothing, to boot)
• A spooky Native American soothsayer
• Fantastic cinematography
• Numerous arrow-induced wounds
• Ginger’s spot-on, period-specific dialogue, including such commonplace Colonial phrases as “these people are fucked.”

Scream Streams: PARENTS

Lately there’s been an influx of great bad movies popping up for free online viewing, so I’ve decided to start spotlighting one weekly. I figure it’ll ensure at least a semi-regular posting schedule, and help me earn my merit badge in Randy Quaid appreciation.

To that end, if you find yourself with 81 free minutes this week but no copy of Caddyshack II handy, just point your finger clicky thing over to Hulu.com and take in the next best example of Quaidness in the 1988 suburban cannibal satire Parents.

Highlights include:
• A delightful mid-century production design
• Meat that comes to life
• A scene in which an elementary school teacher sneaks into the young hero’s home, hides inside the kitchen pantry when she hears someone else in the house, and then inexplicably grabs hold of a carving knife, slicing open her own hands.
• Randy Quaid writhing on a blood-soaked bed.

Slash on Demand

Not counting the aftermath of Brittney’s evitable self-destruction, the day following the Super Bowl will probably go down as YouTube’s busiest day this year. Even I had to find out what Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons have in common. But if Clydesdales and Coke ads don’t tempt your clicker finger, just try putting some slash in your search bar.

Over the last few months, YouTuber Taylor has been quietly uploading slasher crap and classics alike to his SlasherTV channel, providing 24/7 access to streaming screams from the glory days of campground massacres and suburban dismemberment. Has your local Blockbuster lost its copy of Bava’s Blade in the Dark? Can’t get past the hideous case art for Happy Birthday to Me enough to actually pick up the DVD?? No worries, they’re all here, complete and uncut (albeit broken into segments), along with some relics that may never find their way to any “official” digital format. Case in point, Taylor’s most recently unearthed treasure, the rare backyard Betacam extravaganza Boardinghouse (which, incidentally has been on Code Red’s DVD release roster for over a year now).

Print and transmission quality varies from flick to flick, but these aren’t the kind of movies you’d want to blow up to full-screen mode anyway; they’re much better as background fare, something to listen to while you browse and flip back to just as John gets a shish kebab skewer through the throat.

With Hollywood being all litigious and stuff, there’s no telling how long the channel will be broadcasting, so get your kicks while you can.

FEARnot

In general, I’m a fan of FEARnet. While the wait for a widely accessible television network devoted to horror drags on, there are seemingly dozens of broadband/niche companies currently streaming horror content online or on-demand via digital cable, but FEARnet’s web component is the only one thus far to actually include full-length movies in its online viewing lineup (excluding the various online outlets that offer downloadable public domain titles culled from the dollar bin at Target). Even more endearing (to everyone except, maybe, people like Metallica), FEARnet allows anyone to access its offerings free of charge, without any subscriptions or memberships. Most of the movies are crap, but whenever you’re hit with that driving need to watch Wishmaster again, FEARnet’s got your back (I’m personally forever indebted to the network for making the 1982 opus Frightmare, starring a barely pubescent Jeffrey Combs, readily available 24/7 last year). The site also premiered two well-rated web series (the 30 Days of Night prequel Blood Trails and Buried Alive), along with an original feature set in a Velvet Revolver music video.

But in a recent article on the most anticipated horror movies of 2008, the site seems to have mistargeted its users’ tastes. There’s more horror in a Happy Meal than there is on this list. I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting – the article’s relative lack of horror titles, or the five lines of type it devotes to Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man. And while I wouldn’t call flicks like The Signal, France’s Ils (Them), or The Lost Boys sequel major cinematic events, they at least deserve a mention over the Day the Earth Stood Still remake.

The problem is – and this is the scary part – right now there aren’t a ton of horror movies on the horizon that are worth anticipating. A PG-13 Prom Night redux and the fifth Saw flick (who the hell let this series get that high?) won’t have me camping out for tickets.

That said, there are a few anticipated genre releases that are way more compelling than a new Roland Emmerich movie. Here’s a brief guide based on tentative schedules:

February
Diary of the Dead -- I remain skeptical about the place of Romero’s latest in his overall zombie pantheon, but after Land of the Dead, who isn’t looking forward to him giving it another go?

March
Doomsday -- The latest Spielberg flick makes FEARnet’s list, but Neil (The Descent) Marshall’s doesn’t? Whuhuh? Britain goes post-apocalyptic; sign me up. Better still – no sign of Shia LaBeouf to be found.

Sisters -- Yeah, it’s another remake, but since 85% of the original De Palma movie was lifted from Hitchcock movies in the first place, there’s a good chance Douglas Buck’s version will actually be more original. For what it’s worth, with his dark Family Portraits trilogy, Buck’s definitely the right guy for the job.

April
Repo! The Genetic Opera -- Bill Moseley sings.

May
Frontiere(s) -- It sounds an awful lot like last year’s Severence, minus the spiteful wit, but these days French horror is la merde.

June
The Happening -- While the rest of the public seems to think that M. Night lost is Shyamamlamagic a long time ago, I thought The Village was a totally engrossing character study, and Lady in the Water was...well, just too absurd to dislike. What is it with all of the end of the world flicks this year? Apocalypse is the new black.

Undated
Mother of Tears (La Terza Madre) -- Can the final film in Argento’s Three Mothers live up to expectations and restore faith in the guy with the black gloves? Debatable, but early reports suggest a visual feast done Dario-style, and that’s enough to have me eatin’ Italian food until showtime.

Rec -- Another first-person POV flick attempts to bring a new perspective to an old archetype (apparently vérité horror is also the new black), but word is Jaume Balagueró has finally crafted a film that’s as scary as his horror debut, The Nameless -- if not more so. “The scariest movie in years,” reviewers call it. I’m not going to assume that’s true, but I can’t