Ruinations

Despite my disappointment with Scott Smith’s novel (which fights the good fight to maintain an even balance of character and creepiness but gets its teeth kicked out on both counts), I’ve been pretty pumped about The Ruins. I’m counting on the movie being a bit more intense than the book, hopefully with a bit of the sordid, pulpy vibe sorely lacking in the novel – the kind of thing that can make even adventure-horror crap like The Tomb seem more appealing than it actually is.

That’s why I’m trying to avoid the film’s promotional campaign – I’d like to maintain my ignorant enthusiasm, but that ain’t happening if I keep running into posters like this:



If only Swamp Thing had legal counsel…

The graphics themselves look like they were swiped from the wall of your local video store in 1994, but I might be able to get past the visuals if it weren’t for the hackneyed tagline tucked in beneath them. Terror may have evolved, but Dreamworks’ prosaic approach to marketing apparently hasn’t, a fact that’s reinforced when you head over to the film’s website, which evokes none of the creepy jungle atmosphere of the movie’s setting, but does remind us that “there are places man was not meant to go.”

Remember that when they ask for your $9.50 at the box office.

The Midnite Special

HD-DVD is officially dead, and Blu-Ray holds the dagger. Et tu, Blu-Ray?

Since I don’t own either kind of player, yesterday’s announcement means little to me. I assume I’ll eventually upgrade to a high-def home vid format, but considering the piles of unwatched “traditional” DVDs I’ve amassed, it’s hardly a priority.

More importantly, as cursory search reveals, the pickin’s ain’t plump. Of the tiny horror crop currently available on the Blu-Ray format, there are only a handful of flicks I’d be interested, all of which I already own in standard DVD form (or, in the case of the original Dawn of the Dead, on standard DVD, VHS, Beta, Laserdisc, Video CD, stone etching, cave painting, etc.). Old-school DVD (what do you even call that, anyway? Clear-Ray?) is where it’s at for obscure discoveries or treasured trash, and fans of both will find good news over at DVD Drive-In.

Fox/MGM have launched a new site for their Midnite Movies line, and in addition to trivia, trailers, and my favorite page layout of the last 14 minutes (just listen to the crickets!), the site offers the opportunity to buy previously out-of-print double-features (along with all of the current/new releases) directly from Fox, all wrapped up with garish cover art that makes me want lick Sam Arkoff's ear. You’re not gonna find The House on Skull Mountain on frickin’ Blu-Ray, doll.

The Thrill of It All

This year De of the Dead made my bloody valentine by gifting me with the 25th Anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, which includes a DVD featuring the complete 13-minute mini-horror film that first taught me to love zombies and dance poorly.

The video is still amazingly fresh and effective (probably in part because we’re not used to seeing a Michael Jackson that resembles a human being with a real nose, let alone one that’s wolfed out or been zombified), and features what I to this day consider to be one of the top three “corpses coming out of the ground” sequences of all time (the other two appear in Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things and the original Return of the Living Dead).

But a true acknowledgement of “Thriller’s” legacy is really not complete without recognizing some of the masterpieces the video inspired, all of which are now preserved forever (or until the FCC goes all Orwell) on YouTube:

The Michael Jackson Original
Co-starring the voice of Vincent Price and a girl I always thought was Tootie from The Facts of Life.

The Indian Version
This is easily my favorite “Thriller” knockoff, if not for the weird “chicken variation” on the signature “creep” dance, then for the muffled mystical voice at the beginning that makes it sound like the paunchy lead is being turned into a monster by the ride operator on the Tilt-A-Whirl.

The Lego Adaptation
Amazing. Someone buy these guys some space sets so they can remake Moonwalker.

The CPDRC Inmates Version
You’ve got to wonder how they decided who would play the girl.

No Love for New Line

2008 may be the last year that Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes gets a valentine from Bob Shaye.

In response to the recent suicidal tendencies of TW’s stock price, Bewkes has started eyeing cost-cutting options, and the first name on his kill list appears to be Shaye’s New Line Cinema label. Founded by Shaye and partner Michael Lynne, New Line was for a long time regarded by horror fans as “the house that Freddy built” for the phenomenal financial haul of A Nightmare on Elm Street, which first established New Line as an economically viable independent studio. Time Warner acquired the company when it bought up Ted Turner’s media assets, and has since run the studio separately from its Warner Bros. division (per Shaye’s wishes) with Lynne and Shaye as its co-chairs.

While he hasn’t always made the best choices as studio head (in reality, Bewkes’ decision to cut New Line may depend on whether or not Shaye gives him back that $8.00 he spent on a ticket to Man’s Best Friend), Shaye has never tried to hide or back away from his involvement in horror. In the dark ages of the early ‘90s, New Line was virtually the only studio regularly putting horror movies into theaters. Were it not for Shaye’s unpopular decision to back movies like In the Mouth of Madness, future installments of those “Scariest Movie Moments” specials that run on Bravo around Halloween would be forced to refer to the period as “the Vidmark Era.”

If TW does cut New Line (and Shaye and Lynne), it will most likely fold all of its assets into the Warner Bros. division. Shaye and Lynne would loose valuable fallback franchises like the Nightmare, Friday the 13th, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, though considering how those are faring these days, they might be better off rotting in the WB vault.

Of course, the break could provide the opportunity for Shaye and Lynne to revisit their Reagan-hippy roots and start up their own new company like the Weinsteins did, but then again, we all know how well that turned out.

Where's George?

George Romero is appearing everywhere this week the opening of Diary of the Dead -- except, most likely, for a theater near you.

I’d known all along that any theatrical release granted to Diary (which Grandpa George intended to send directly to video, initially) would be limited, but to the Weinstein company, “limited release” is apparently code for, “We are afraid of the Midwest.”

The official Diary of the Dead MySpace page (a phrase that's probably a more telling social portrait than the film itself) posted some additional theater listings last Friday, including some in Chicago and Kansas City, but while the film is playing on multiple screens in several cities, there are practically entire time zones of the country that would need a few tanks of gas and a couple days off work to make it to a screening.

Here’s the latest list, and below are some digital Diary nuggets posted around the web (including some originating from archaic regions beyond the coasts!):

• Romero’s chat with EW
• George’s impassioned plea to kids who’ve never heard of him
• One large popcorn, a box of Skittles, and a massive wound to the head
• DOTD on the Rot-o-Meter

Have a Howling Weekend

Here's to the full moon, the Chinese New Year, and the keytar.

Par Three

As remakes go, Michael Haneke’s new take on his own 1997 film Funny Games is a horse of a different color. A very stark, white one, based on a lot of the film’s promo materials. As of this week, there are now three posters for the film in circulation, and two of them resemble Apple ads. Who knew Helvetica could be so scary?



The first piece is perfect, if your name is Criterion Collection and you’re selling special edition DVDs. Theatrically, though, I don’t think it works. I like the tear in Naomi Watts’ eye, but when I see this shot I can’t help but think it’s advertising a remake of Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” video rather than a twisted psychological horror movie.



And while we're wang-chunging... did Duran Duran just take the stage? Or is it Hall & Oates? They can't be Milli Vanilli; they don't have the shoulder pads. Utterly awful design.



But the third bowl of porridge is just right. It looks more like a teaser poster as it is, but just slap the credits on the bottom and you’re done. The artwork does the movie’s job for it, really. Looking at this image, your mind starts to churn up all sorts of nasty uses for that golf club. Tut, tut. Good show, gents.

Slash on Demand

Not counting the aftermath of Brittney’s evitable self-destruction, the day following the Super Bowl will probably go down as YouTube’s busiest day this year. Even I had to find out what Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons have in common. But if Clydesdales and Coke ads don’t tempt your clicker finger, just try putting some slash in your search bar.

Over the last few months, YouTuber Taylor has been quietly uploading slasher crap and classics alike to his SlasherTV channel, providing 24/7 access to streaming screams from the glory days of campground massacres and suburban dismemberment. Has your local Blockbuster lost its copy of Bava’s Blade in the Dark? Can’t get past the hideous case art for Happy Birthday to Me enough to actually pick up the DVD?? No worries, they’re all here, complete and uncut (albeit broken into segments), along with some relics that may never find their way to any “official” digital format. Case in point, Taylor’s most recently unearthed treasure, the rare backyard Betacam extravaganza Boardinghouse (which, incidentally has been on Code Red’s DVD release roster for over a year now).

Print and transmission quality varies from flick to flick, but these aren’t the kind of movies you’d want to blow up to full-screen mode anyway; they’re much better as background fare, something to listen to while you browse and flip back to just as John gets a shish kebab skewer through the throat.

With Hollywood being all litigious and stuff, there’s no telling how long the channel will be broadcasting, so get your kicks while you can.