The Sophomore Slum

The trailer for the Butcher Bros.' remake of April Fool's Day hit the net today, and it's predictably awful, the film looking like what might happen if the characters from Sweet Valley High took a wrong turn at the mall and accidentally stumbled into an R.L. Stine novel.

I realize we haven't seen the final film, and of course I'm a little biased, being a big fan of the original (some call the ending a cheat -- to which I say, "the movie is called April Fool's Day, Holmes!"), but I think it's simply irrefutable that this movie looks like manure. All integrity or artistic value aside, at the very least a contemporary horror movie should feel more intense than one made 20 years ago, right? Not so here, if this trailer is to be trusted.

I don't want to keep harping on the remakes...oh hell, let's harp on them! The most disturbing trend in horror today may not be the predominance of remakes, but the waste of good talent that's going into producing them. The Butcher Brothers were responsible for, arguably, the most original and engaging vampire movie of the decade (the '07 After Dark Horrorfest standout The Hamiltons). The forecast called for great stuff in their second outing, but instead they're treading in lame teen territory not even Kevin Williamson would touch.

And they're not the first horror ingénues to squander their clout on a remake copout. In Haute Tension, Alexandre Asa blended up a near-perfect concoction of emotional intensity and graphic initiative, then followed it up by taking a crap in Wes Craven’s toilet. Might as well call out James Wong and that other guy who did the Final Destination movies, too. They practically own real estate in Mediocre Remakeville after the Crispin Glover Willard redo and the... thing they call Black Christmas.

Who’s next for sophomore shame? Douglas Buck may be in line with his take on De Palma’s Sisters, and the Weinsteins have all but doomed the careers of Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury (the team behind the French sensation À l'intérieur (Inside)) by hiring them to remake Hellraiser.

And while no one’s attached to the Friday the 13th and Nightmare projects festering on Michael Bay’s production slate, the directorial want list is no doubt topped with popular freshmen on the fright scene. After all, why make the grueling climb to new creative heights when you can just sink your career to the bottom of Crystal Lake?

FEARnot

In general, I’m a fan of FEARnet. While the wait for a widely accessible television network devoted to horror drags on, there are seemingly dozens of broadband/niche companies currently streaming horror content online or on-demand via digital cable, but FEARnet’s web component is the only one thus far to actually include full-length movies in its online viewing lineup (excluding the various online outlets that offer downloadable public domain titles culled from the dollar bin at Target). Even more endearing (to everyone except, maybe, people like Metallica), FEARnet allows anyone to access its offerings free of charge, without any subscriptions or memberships. Most of the movies are crap, but whenever you’re hit with that driving need to watch Wishmaster again, FEARnet’s got your back (I’m personally forever indebted to the network for making the 1982 opus Frightmare, starring a barely pubescent Jeffrey Combs, readily available 24/7 last year). The site also premiered two well-rated web series (the 30 Days of Night prequel Blood Trails and Buried Alive), along with an original feature set in a Velvet Revolver music video.

But in a recent article on the most anticipated horror movies of 2008, the site seems to have mistargeted its users’ tastes. There’s more horror in a Happy Meal than there is on this list. I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting – the article’s relative lack of horror titles, or the five lines of type it devotes to Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man. And while I wouldn’t call flicks like The Signal, France’s Ils (Them), or The Lost Boys sequel major cinematic events, they at least deserve a mention over the Day the Earth Stood Still remake.

The problem is – and this is the scary part – right now there aren’t a ton of horror movies on the horizon that are worth anticipating. A PG-13 Prom Night redux and the fifth Saw flick (who the hell let this series get that high?) won’t have me camping out for tickets.

That said, there are a few anticipated genre releases that are way more compelling than a new Roland Emmerich movie. Here’s a brief guide based on tentative schedules:

February
Diary of the Dead -- I remain skeptical about the place of Romero’s latest in his overall zombie pantheon, but after Land of the Dead, who isn’t looking forward to him giving it another go?

March
Doomsday -- The latest Spielberg flick makes FEARnet’s list, but Neil (The Descent) Marshall’s doesn’t? Whuhuh? Britain goes post-apocalyptic; sign me up. Better still – no sign of Shia LaBeouf to be found.

Sisters -- Yeah, it’s another remake, but since 85% of the original De Palma movie was lifted from Hitchcock movies in the first place, there’s a good chance Douglas Buck’s version will actually be more original. For what it’s worth, with his dark Family Portraits trilogy, Buck’s definitely the right guy for the job.

April
Repo! The Genetic Opera -- Bill Moseley sings.

May
Frontiere(s) -- It sounds an awful lot like last year’s Severence, minus the spiteful wit, but these days French horror is la merde.

June
The Happening -- While the rest of the public seems to think that M. Night lost is Shyamamlamagic a long time ago, I thought The Village was a totally engrossing character study, and Lady in the Water was...well, just too absurd to dislike. What is it with all of the end of the world flicks this year? Apocalypse is the new black.

Undated
Mother of Tears (La Terza Madre) -- Can the final film in Argento’s Three Mothers live up to expectations and restore faith in the guy with the black gloves? Debatable, but early reports suggest a visual feast done Dario-style, and that’s enough to have me eatin’ Italian food until showtime.

Rec -- Another first-person POV flick attempts to bring a new perspective to an old archetype (apparently vérité horror is also the new black), but word is Jaume Balagueró has finally crafted a film that’s as scary as his horror debut, The Nameless -- if not more so. “The scariest movie in years,” reviewers call it. I’m not going to assume that’s true, but I can’t

Plan 9.5

In which the remains of a beloved Hollywood horror icon will hopefully be interred in a place equally suited for peaceful rest and shameless tourism.


Early last week some friends of the late Maila Nurmi (better known as the original late-night TV horror host, Vampira), who died on January 10 at the age of 85, issued a release detailing plans to have the actress immortalized in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. The group has established a MySpace page to solicit donations (they need to raise $8,000 – no word on where the running total sits).


Hollywood Forever is a morbid wonderland of celebrity memoriam nestled in vintage Hollywood, right next to the Paramount Pictures backlot (the close proximity of the two provided the setting and inspiration for Ray Bradbury’s novel A Graveyard for Lunatics). Part resting place, part theme park, part coffee shop, the relatively small cemetery is the final home to some of classic cinema’s biggest stars, including several horror notables like Peter Lorre Fay Wray, and as such draws many more visitors than the average graveyard. Local wanderers frequently haunt the place, some picnicking or sitting watch among the tombstones daily, and in October the gates are opened for outdoor screenings of classic horror movies. Originally known as Hollywood Memorial --, the park fell into disrepair over the latter half of the last century, but was purchased and restored by St. Louis-based Forever Cemeteries. The HBO documentary The Young and the Dead is a great chronicle of the refurbishment process.

If there's anyone in Hollyweird who truly belongs in such auspicious surroundings for all of eternity, it's Vampira. Help her legacy live by donating here.

A Tale of Two Sisters

I don't know about you, but when I picture upscale urban life in the '70s, certain things come immediately to mind. Muted colors, perpetual cold, dead trees...and vaguely incestuous relationships.

That in mind, the poster for Douglas Buck's Sisters remake hits a conceptual home run, tagging all of the bases and even throwing in a cool, sparse font as a Crackerjack prize. Scratch off the words and you've got a haunting work of digitally doctored photography suitable for framing. I'm not even sure if Buck's version is a period piece or set in the present day, but regardless, it's an aesthetic leap from the original film's one-sheet, and arguably more in line with the story's subversive tone.

Pop appeal noted and aside, there's very little that's subversive about this tabloid screamer. I'd give it credit for the cracked-in-half title treatment hinting at the fractured familial dynamics explored in the movie, but this being a De Palma flick, it was probably just cribbed from Psycho.

The Shocking Return

It’s been a little while, but I’m back from the grave and ready to party.

While this space has been silent the last few months, I’ve been click-clacking away elsewhere. Late last summer (coincidentally around the time the posts stopped flowing here) longtime colleague Ryan “Rotten” Turek put out the call for contributing reviewers for his horror branch of the ComingSoon.Net franchise, Shock Till You Drop. It had been many full moons since I’d done regular reviewing duty – going back years to around ‘04 or ’05 – but the chance to really dive back into the genre after a bit of a hiatus and get to work with Ryan was too good to pass up (and that’s not just e-brown nosing; Ryan’s easily one of the best journalists in the genre. I was a fan when he co-helmed the original Creature Corner and Dread Central, a follower during his stint with Fangoria, and am honored to now have him as a friend and editor).

You can see the fruits of this collaboration over on the right, an ongoing archive of my Shock reviews, along with some other new features I’ll be adding and tweaking over time to hopefully make this joint feel a little more integrated with the genre at large and a little less like somebody’s very narrowly focused bathroom wall scribblings.

I’ve also decided it might finally be time to start pimpin’ this place. When I got into this I was just really itchin’ to start talking horror again, even if nobody was listening, but whether the result of the Shock gig or something else, I’m craving a little more feedback these days, so help me out by either throwing out your thoughts or passin’ me along to your friends and loved ones.

You can start by telling me if you’d be interested in hearing a podcast of horror-themed music. There are several shows out there that occasionally play horror music, but it’s usually an accent to a film discussion or something; I’d be rocking it straight out, with the horror film/book/TV/etc. stuff being the accent. In order to create such audio awesomeness I would be sacrificing the three and a half minutes of sleep I currently get, so I haven’t taken it beyond the idea stage yet, but I think it would be fun.

And finally tonight, there are new links to explore, all of them certified cool (or as cool as the official endorsement of a horror nerd can be). Cast your eyes their way, but get yer carcass back here soon.